TALKING TO MY WEBCAM BECAUSE I CANNOT TALK TO YOU
In all honesty I feel nothing but pity for the sun as I watch it rise. This is the sun that greeted you on the first day of your new year for nineteen years and it has been waiting 365 days to see you again and it can’t and it’s devastated and I agree with it. It is your birthday and I miss you so much.
It’s hard to write you the poetry you deserve when the truth is too awful to state plainly but too important to obscure. It’s hard to write you the poetry you deserve when you aren’t here to bounce metaphors off of. It is hard to write you the poetry you deserve when all I really want to say is “I wish you weren’t dead.”
Last year at thanksgiving when my little cousin asked me what I was thankful for, I said cats and videos of cats and this year I used my fork to make anxious 3D shapes out of my mashed potatoes while I said something inappropriately sad that I don’t remember and had to go outside for a long while to calm down. Really, I’m just thankful for the time I got with you, but your absence permeates everything I do and say even more than your ever-lasting presence does. It is your birthday and I miss you so much.
The night before my last birthday, you came to my house and we drank terrible wine and nearly got the shit kicked out of us by gay bashers. We walked through the night with our arms linked and our heads on each others’ shoulders. You gave me a ring you said would protect me and we fell asleep with our legs overlapping on your bed. I was and continue to be so overwhelmed that I got to be with you on the dawn of my twenty-first year.
You are the only person I’ve known who would possibly know what to say to make me feel better about the fact that you aren’t here. It is your birthday and I miss you so much but I am trying to focus on the multitude of things you gave me instead of the things I no longer have, so happy birthday. I love you, and thank you.
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Satah is an extraterrestrial cyborg in a Canadian city full of grey rocks. They make some things, sometimes, and flip-flop between identifying as chaotic good and chaotic neutral. Their preferred aesthetic is awkward honesty and they are very into “obsessively documenting your life” as art.